Struggle
by Dreamer of Legends
Summary: Individual points of view on what happened that day atop Pegasus' duel tower.
1. Chapter 1

_What am I going to do?_ I question myself, probing into the deepest reaches of my mind, my heart, my soul, trying to find an answer. My grandfather is in danger. Every moment spent here is another second that he might not have. I have to save him, yet because of the twisted nature of his captor there is a certain way that I must do it, and no other.

Right here, right now, that way is through beating Kaiba.

If I defeat him, I will gain entry to the sanctuary where Pegasus is keeping my grandpa's soul locked away. And then I can focus on getting him back. But I have to beat Kaiba first.

Therein lies my dilemma.

He has placed himself in a situation in which his very life could be in danger. He stands before me now, on the edge of the castle, awaiting my choice.

I could strike; ensuring my victory and allowing me to get that much closer to rescuing my grandfather.

I could strike; endangering Kaiba, risking his life. No matter that he was the one to put himself in this position, no matter that I am only finishing the duel.

It's not right, I cannot put my own desires, my own needs, above someone else's safety. That is not who I am, and Kaiba knows that. He is forcing me to surrender, or betray myself.

In my heart of hearts, I know Kaiba is not an evil person. He seems cold and ruthless, rude and uncaring. But these feelings are just a mask, hiding the man I know lives inside of him. He cares deeply for his brother, and he is fighting this duel for the same reasons I am, to save a loved one.

Knowing this, his pain becomes my own, I know how it feels to have someone taken from you. There is an ache when they are gone, a fierce need to get them back, and set everything right with the world again. Nothing will stop him from regaining his family, I can see the determination burning in his eyes as strongly as it burns in mine.

I cannot allow him to win, or my grandfather is lost. But if _I_ win, then Mokuba will remain with Pegasus, maybe forever.

Can I honestly live with the knowledge that I doomed an innocent, no matter that I was only trying to save one?

_What am I going to do?_

Perhaps if I can defeat Kaiba, I can find a way to save both grandpa and Mokuba. Rather than struggle to choose which soul is freed, maybe I can find a way to save them both. I have to try, I have to make Kaiba see that I want to help him save Mokuba.

Kaiba grows impatient. He demands that I surrender, and then gains a strange gleam in his eyes as he finishes:

_"Unless you have the courage to unleash your attack!"_

Something happens to me as those words register, I can feel something stirring within my soul. It is slow moving, faint, yet I can sense a terrible power welling up within it. It grows warm, as anger and determination boil through it, getting hotter and hotter, uncomfortably so. I don't understand, these feelings are not my own. I can feel the rising power within me, and it terrifies me greatly, for I can sense that this presence, whatever it is, does not hold the same thoughts, the same values, as I do.

Suddenly, I feel as though my own body no longer belongs to me. With a hot surge of fiery rage my mindset is completely changed, where a moment before my mouth had sought to utter words of compromise, compassion, now it was twisted into a snarl of indignation.

My heart seems to freeze as I realize what is going on.

The spirit from my Millennium Puzzle has taken over, _completely._ I no longer have control of my actions, and I realize with horror what that means.

He means to finish it.

He's going to win, no matter the cost to Kaiba... to me.

No...

Always before we had worked together. He seemed to live with me, through me; taking my values and experiences with him, holding my heart because he did not have one of his own. Before, we fought for the same reasons, the same sides, our motivations the exact same.

Now, it seems that the spirit has somehow regained a small measure of who he once was, Kaiba's unsettling words have awakened something ancient and forgotten within himself. It was as though a great struggle was being carried out, and although it had been buried through the generations somewhat it appeared to be resurfacing again.

But I wonder... Why? He who has no true identity to call his own, he who has no past experiences to draw upon, no reasons for his actions at all, has decided to take this matter into his own hands. There is no sense to this, and so my heart asks... _Why?_

_I must._ These words come from the spirit, in a tone so determined it makes me shudder. He is uncompromising in his goal to save grandpa.But there is more... he doesn't just want to save grandpa, he wants to stop Kaiba. As though there is a great war between the two of them, and the spirit will do whatever it takes to win that battle.

_I can't._ It is not right, I cannot harm Kaiba in order to help myself. I sense confusion at my words, as if he is wondering why I cannot.

_We must._

_ No! It's not right! There must be another way..._

But as I try to plead with him, his own thoughts bombard me with an image of my grandfather; reaching out to me, calling my name.

_"Yugi!"_

There is such anguish in his voice I falter for a moment. The spirits own resolve hardens, and his reply is coldly determined.

_There is no other way._

I can see it all happening slowly, agonizingly slowly, as he orders the attack. The Celtic Guardian springs forward, the echoes of his pounding footsteps sounding like a death bell.

No...

I struggle within myself, begging the spirit to re-consider, but he will not listen... he cannot hear me.

No.

Tea runs toward me, her arms outstretched, calling to me. Not to the figure she could see standing dazed and shocked upon the castle roof, but to _me_. Yugi Moto. She wants me to call off the attack, she knows this is not what _I_ would do. Tears cascade down her face when she sees my tortured expression.

NO!

I wrestle control of myself back from the spirit, and violently bind him tightly with my will. I can sense great confusion and surprise coursing through him, and he does not fight back.

"STOP!" I scream, collapsing to my knees as the strain of holding the spirit down, the stress of the duel, and the confusion of my inner conflict rush over me.

My Guardian stops just in time. I cannot see his face, but his sword lowers and his shoulders droop, accepting the inevitable. He seems to understand that by calling off the attack, his own life is forfeit, yet I sense no resentment coming from his stoic form. He knows that it was the correct decision.

I don't even register the rest of the duel, I couldn't see through my tear filled eyes. Fear; cold, raw, burning fear clutched at my soul with icy talons. I almost couldn't control that other person, the spirit... He was almost too strong, too powerful. What would happen if I failed next time? If I allowed him to bring harm to another person in a duel? I cannot let that happen...

I must never duel again.


	2. Chapter 2

_What have I done?_

The question reverberates painfully through me again and again, each time overwhelming me with a myriad of mixed feelings. I gaze to the prone form of the boy that kneels on the ground before me, and my heart aches at the pain I see written on his face, at the fear blazing in his eyes.

Fear of me...

_What have I done?_

Tears fall from his violet eyes, glittering in the light of the setting sun before they shatter on the cold ground like crystals. Tears for innocence lost, for hope scattered, for nightmares realized.

My own eyes sting suddenly as the realization of what I've done to him hits me full on.

_But..._ _Isn't this what he wanted?_ _To win? To save his grandfather?_

Even as I try to argue with myself, the logic remains fully before me, and I am unable to hide from it. To win, yes, but not at that price. Not at the cost of another's life. I tried to justify my actions, tried to lie to myself. I was only finishing the duel after all, I was only trying to save his grandfather. But these thoughts are not true, and I know it. There had been something else there, another motivation that tugged at me silently from some faraway corner of my memory. And I selfishly indulged in it, bringing a part of my hatred and anger into the duel in order to silence the insolent fool that stood before me. Yugi had refused, unable to place the safety of someone, even someone that disliked him, in danger.

Yet I had refused to listen, needing to satisfy that inner desire, that almost primal instinct to snuff out the life I saw before me, just because of who he was.

_What have I done?_

I was wrong. I can see that as plain as day. I can see it written in his eyes, that now he is afraid of me. Afraid that I might try to do this again.

_No..._ I whisper, but he holds me so tight I know he will not hear. I speak anyway, unable to bear holding the words inside of me for fear I would burst.

_I'm sorry. _

I should not have done this. Why had I done this? That man had supposedly wronged me in his past, but what right do I have to take it out on his future descendant?

_What have I done?_

I kneel on the cold stone before him. I want so badly to touch him, to reach out and cradle his face in my hands and comfort him. Tell him how sorry I am for what I have done, tell him I do not mean to be like this, it is just a part of who I was. But I cannot bring myself to raise my hand. In my heart I know it's no excuse, who I was is not who I am, who I have been turning into by being so close to his inner light for all this time. I bow to him in quiet apology, my head resting on the stone at his hands. In silence, in utter defeat, I submit to his will. I will go back, back to the life of darkness and emptiness that I used to know before all of this...

Perhaps in time I will find courage enough to speak with him again. Maybe with a little effort, I can show him that I am not the raging and crazed monster he thinks I am. His face still haunts me, I can see his tears behind my own eyes too.

_I'm sorry... forgive me..._

****

There is a whisper that dances across my soul, gentle and painful all at once. There is a feeling there too... no, many feelings, a massive rolling ball of tightly packed emotion that is raging through me, part of me, and yet separate from me at the same time.

_I'm sorry..._

Guilt, remorse, self-hate, anxiety, apology, sorrow, fear, all these and hundreds more simmer within me like pieces of broth in a pot, and I can sense them all emanating from the spirit.

Wet tears still cling to my face, I can feel them trickling down my skin to splatter on the sun-drenched stone. I cannot hear the words that are spoken around me, for I am looking inside of myself, searching for the source of the pain I can feel, and the reasons behind it.

Wearily I look, hoping I do not run into the spirit. I am not ready to face him yet, but I hope that all of the hurt and anguish he is feeling is not because of me.

Despite the fact that I had to hold him down, I had to stop him, I hoped with all of my heart that I had not hurt him.

Moments pass, and I still cannot find the source of the swirling mass of conflicted emotions that is pounding through my heart. Wearily, tired with the events of the day, I am about to give up the search. For a moment, I catch a glimpse of the world around me, and my eyes suddenly behold a comforting and encouraging sight.

Tea is dueling Mai. _Mai. _And she's winning. Looking closer, I can see that she is fighting on my behalf, looking to earn my star chips from her. For me. Despite all the pain I must have caused them when I closed in on myself like that, they were still willing to help me, because our friendship was just that strong. I made a vow then, to try and be strong like them, my best friends, and not run away from my problems, my fears.

For the first time, I am able to look at myself, and not cringe in fear. I will be strong, for my Grandfather, for my friends, for me. I will be strong.


	3. Chapter 3

There is only the darkness. That is all I have ever known for the last five thousand years, and now after a brief respite into the world of light I had come to know, I was to be thrust back into the darkness again. I stand before the entryway to the black abyss, knowing full well that I must step forward, must accept the consequences of my actions and be cast away into my prison. But yet I cannot, I can't bear the thought of locking myself away, never to be seen again. _Such selfishness. _I chastise myself, but it does not help. I did not want to leave, did not want to forsake the light, the life and yes, the love I had come to know and cherish in my brief experiences with the youth who solved the Millennium Puzzle.

No... not just the youth. Not just the boy, not only the vessel. Yugi. Yugi Moto. The kind-hearted and pure soul that had taken in this wayward spirit and helped him, asking for nothing in return. He befriended me, not wanting any recompense, any payment for his troubles, just knowing that he was doing some good brought a smile to his cheerful face.

_And how do I repay him?_ I ask myself. _By betraying his honest trust, and trying to use his body to fuel my own desires._

I stand on the edge of oblivion, shivering and shaking with emotion. I find myself violently wishing that I could take it all back, that I could run to him and apologize for what I had done and plead for his forgiveness. But I know that such a thing is impossible. The die has been cast, my fate sealed. I will return to the deepest depths of the Millennium Puzzle and lock myself away, so that I may never cause harm to any others again.

But just as I am about to take that first step, a familiar warm feeling washes over me. I would know that spirit from anywhere, memory or no. Yugi had come to find me.

I can barely summon the courage to turn and face him, half-afraid that he was only here so that he may push me away himself. But the more positive side of my heart dared to feel a flicker of hope, that perhaps I was not to be sentenced to a spiritual death after all.

He hesitates for a second, searching my eyes as though he was trying to see into my soul. Maybe he could, it would not surprise me in the least. I don't know what he was searching for, but he must have found it because he nodded slightly to himself and spoke.

"Spirit?" He asks, his voice sounding with a new inner strength, I noted. He seemed to be less afraid that I would pounce on him, though he still watched me warily. I could not blame him. After what I had nearly done, I would be watching me too.

"Yugi?" I respond in kind, wondering what it was he needed.

He looks at me searchingly, and peers into the shadows that I was a step away from falling into. He seemed to realize that the only reason I had not thrown myself to the darkness was because I was subconsciously praying that I would not have to. "Where are you going?"

Stunned, I open my mouth to respond, but the words are shaky and soft.

"I... I realize now that what I did was wrong. You helped me, took me in and saved me from a life of darkness and despair. And I repaid you by nearly taking away the very innocence that so shapes your compassion and strength. I-" I falter for a moment, struggling to keep my emotions at bay. "I am sorry. Truly sorry. I know now that what I did is unforgiveable. And so I thought, that if I went back to the darkness, I would not be able to hurt you ever again. I thought this would be best..."

Even though the words were true and honestly spoken, I cannot suppress the shudder that courses through me at the thought of returning to the black prison I had known for far too long. But if that was the consequence for my action, then so be it.

But then, to my great surprise, Yugi steps forward and holds his hand out to me. I hesitate for a fraction of a second, his reaction was so completely opposite of the one I expected that I paused in shock. But slowly, I find the courage to take his outstretched hand, and he pulls me forward a single step, so that the distance between him and the hole behind me is equal.

"I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, spirit." He murmurs, his voice contemplative. "And I realize now that I was just as much at fault as you were."

Shocked, I open my mouth to refute him, but he holds up a hand, asking for the chance to explain himself.

"It's true. All this time you have been helping me, guiding me, protecting me. And I was foolish enough to take that for granted; you were always saving me and my friends and I guess I never thought of you as having any troubles of your own." He looks at me with a repentant look. "Can you forgive me? I should have treated you like a person, like an individual, and I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I just wanted to tell you that if you can forgive me too, I think that we can work together with this, help each other with our weaknesses. What do you think?"

"I..." I begin, and then I realize I am still shaking. "Of course I can forgive you Yugi... but I honestly think there is nothing to forgive. You were not the one at fault here."

And then he smiles, a real, heartfelt smile that warms me on the inside. "I was just going to say the same."

I don't believe for a moment that there could possibly be anyone on earth who is as forgiving and compassionate as the duelist I see before me. Once again he astounds me with his kindness and love, and I vow then and there to make sure that I take his shining example with me in everything I do.

A short while later he is sleeping, completely at ease. I marvel at how easily he was able to relax around the same person whom only a few hours before he thought was a psychotic spirit. He must truly have forgiven me.

I watch him for a while before I too, grow too tired to think properly. Then I retreat to his mind and melt, merging my mind with his so that both of our consciousnesses were resting. I could feel his every breath, every heartbeat, and it created a wonderful lullaby that soon had me snoring contentedly.

As I drift of into a deep and peaceful rest, I am faintly aware of Yugi's spirit close to me as well. His warm glow soothes my anxiety, and my sleep is filled with dreams of the six of us working together to save Grandpa.

It is the first time I have not had nightmares in five millennia.


End file.
